40 plus blogger Claire Kenny shares her early experiences of menopause. And why there’s so much more to it than hot flushes and forgetfulness.
Things have been feeling a little “off” since the end of last year and I’ve been struggling to put my finger on why. Until I travelled to London for work and had my epiphany – the menopause.
Work travel is nothing new for me and I’ve been doing it on and off for years. I’m one of those hardened tube users. I’ve used our creaking transport system during heatwaves and when heavily pregnant. I’ve poured myself into heaving carriages with my face in someone’s armpit or squashed against the doors. And it’s never bothered me one bit.
So why have I started feeling panicky now?!
I thought the menopause was just about forgetting things and being boiling hot all the time, so the breadth of other symptoms has shocked me. These are feelings I’ve been having on and off since late last year and it’s taken me until now to make the connection. Most shocking I think is the impact on my mental health, particularly the anxiety. On the tube on my most recent work trip, I realised that I had a hamster wheel spinning around and around in my head which repeatedly told me that I only had to wait three more tube stops until I could get off and back onto the relative safety of the platform. On the crowded train home, I was acutely aware of the huge, empty cavern in my chest that I couldn’t fill with air because it felt like I’d forgotten how to breathe. I’d even felt it at the theatre that weekend, where despite loving the performance, I spent far too much time thinking how hot it was and how claustrophobic I felt.
The bloody menopause – that’s why.
There are random physical symptoms too, which initially had me wondering what on earth was wrong with me. It’s unsurprising that one of the most common sentiments around the menopause is feeling like you’re losing your grip on reality. I mean, how do you see the wood for the trees with all this random stuff going on?!
While I now know that there’s an overarching explanation for how I’m feeling, especially as tests have excluded anything serious, a large part of me has been wondering whether my symptoms are completely unrelated to the menopause and that I’m basically just in exceptionally poor shape.
I also feel a huge sense of injustice. At 47, I’ve FINALLY got myself into a place where I felt strong, capable and optimistic, yet here’s another curveball!
When I shared my thoughts on sociaI media, I was struck by how many people responded. I know many of the women who commented as friends yet had never heard them speak about how significantly they were being impacted or how hard they’d had to fight to get help.
I can see why this is so taboo. It’s crushing and scary to realise that you don’t feel strong when you pride yourself on having your shit together. But for me, silence and isolation are a far deadlier enemy, so this is something I’ll continue to talk about. Maybe some of my friends and followers will feel able to do the same; maybe they won’t. But either way, I think we’ve come too far – thanks to the amazing trailblazers who’ve bravely started the conversation – to suffer in silence.
Thankfully I know we’re more geared up to get help these days, and as well as trying to do more mindfulness and other activities that I know calm and relax me, my GP is going to be my next step.
And I promise it won’t be wall to wall doom and gloom either! There MUST be something positive! Just let me get rid of this brain fog and I’ll find it.
Now, what am I looking for again…?
Feature image courtesy of unsplash.com
